At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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