Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
We had sex on a dog bed..
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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