In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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