if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Randomize
