what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
