Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
