Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
My hand turned me down
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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