just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
