he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
