dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize