I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
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