what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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