I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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