She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
