Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
