it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
