Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
