Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
