Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
