i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Randomize
