never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
