just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
