im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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