i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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