im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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