this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
