See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Randomize
