I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Randomize
