i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
