this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
