I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
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