The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
