so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
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