Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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