Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
