Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize