I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
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