A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
