I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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