I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
