I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
