I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
