You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Randomize
