It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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