Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
