So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Randomize
