i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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