It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Randomize
