9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
It's official drugs can't kill me
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
