Where did you get a picture of my penis
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
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