My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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