Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Randomize