Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
