I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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